


No Good (Not Yet)

by ellekim94



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 14:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18573049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94
Summary: Gon and Killua talked about what happened during the fight with Pitou before reaching the World Tree.





	No Good (Not Yet)

**Author's Note:**

> what should have happened in episode 147 ;-;
> 
> warning: not edited/betaed

“Killua, I love you.” Those four words — those four fucking words — and Gon was smiling when he said that, like it was the simplest and easiest thing to understand in the world, like he was saying how the sun is hot or how the sea is blue, like it was something that needs to be said.

And the other boy had not expected it. Who the hell tells their best friend something like that? His initial reaction was Gon was messing with him, but at the back of his mind, he knew Gon wasn’t. Gon tells things he means, like how he tells Killua he is having fun with him, or how thankful he is that he got to meet Killua, or Killua has to be the one to do it.

Killua almost fell from his own feet. They were just walking, taking their time to reach the World Tree. His flushed face looked at Gon and stammered, not knowing what to say or how to react to that, while he accusingly points at Gon for saying embarrassing things.

Gon, on the other hand, was still smiling honestly, and he knew it was not usual to say something like that to your best friend but he really means it. He means it from the bottom of his heart and he wants to say it.

Sometimes, when he looks at Killua, Killua’s smile reminds him of a broken toy. Now that he has met Alluka and Nanika, it was like Nanika’s smile, except Killua was not sharing his body with someone else’s. His body was his own but his smile seemed like another’s.

“What are you saying, idiot?” Killua demanded, refusing to further look at Gon’s face.

“I’m just saying I love you,” Gon replied with a small smile. After everything that happened, he knew he was not one to say this. It was selfish for him to say this after everything he did to Killua but that’s more the reason he has to say it. “I really do love you, you know,” he repeated for the third time — the fucking third time — like he was just mentioning how he likes his boots so much.

He knew what he did to Killua. He was guilty of it and no matter how much he apologizes to him, Gon knew it wouldn’t bring back all the pain and suffering Killua had because of him. He really might be selfish, but he still wanted Killua to stay beside him, but that was not enough reason to imprison him with him. So he thought he’d just tell him anyway.

“Like I said, the hell are you saying?” Killua looked a little pissed now, finally looking at Gon even though his face was still crimson-tinted that wasn’t because of the sunset.

When Killua saw Gon’s face, there were tears in the other boy’s eyes. He was smiling, his mouth was curved upward, but the tears won’t stop falling down from his eyes like rain.

Killua’s eyes widened and he forgot what they were even talking about, “Hey, Gon, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

Gon was still smiling and crying, looking deep in Killua’s eyes as every painful thing he said to him came back to him. “Killua, I’m sorry,” he repeated and he would still do it no matter how many times because Killua didn’t deserve the words he said to him. “What I said back then, there is no excuse I can say but apologize. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have pushed you far. I shouldn’t have forgotten that you are my best friend. I was only able to come this far because of you. I survived back then because of you.”

Killua was frozen because he thought they had a silent agreement to never talk about that again. Even though he would tease Gon about it from time to time, he knew both of them were not ready to talk about it now. He thought they could at least do it until they reached the World Tree. They were almost there.

“I’m sorry because I was your best friend,” Gon finally said, breaking the stare and looking down to wipe the river that’s flooding his face.

Killua’s mouth dried. “What are you saying, Gon?”

“That I love you,” Gon looked back at Killua’s face, eyes glistening and full of hope, “and I’m sorry I was such a bad choice as a best friend before but I hope you’ll still forgive me. I hope you’ll still be my best friend and I’ll still be yours.”

Right now, Killua didn’t know how to respond to that. He couldn’t even understand how those two things were related at all.

“You see, when I first met you, I knew there was something inside you that’s keeping you from living your life. When I said let’s travel together, I promised myself we’ll see things we haven’t seen before, we’ll travel the world, and if needed, I’ll tell you things,” Gon said, pausing for a moment and looking at Killua sincerely, “that you deserve. As it happened, I broke that promise to myself. That’s why I want to tell you now before, before something happens again, and I swear next time I’d rather just die than hurt you like that again, that I love you and you mean a lot to me.”

Killua opened his mouth and then closed it again. He wasn’t sure what he should say or how he should respond. “I was really hurt, you know,” Killua then spoke genuinely for the first time since they had seen each other after Gon recovered. “But I realized I was always leaning towards you. That’s not good, too.”

Gon listened to Killua’s words, never once looking away. He knew he deserves whatever Killua says to him this time.

“That’s why we need to,” Killua’s voice trailed off.

“Say goodbye,” Gon finished the sentence for him.

“So we can be better.”

“Until we meet each other again.”

This time, Killua was looking earnestly at Gon while Gon looked back at him, full of hope. It seemed as though there were a couple of blocks on their chest that they removed.

They finally reached the World Tree. Gon stepped forward towards the entrance while Killua stayed back, with Alluka.

Gon stopped and looked behind him. Smiling brightly, he said, “No matter where we go, we’ll always be friends.”

Killua smiled back at him. “Yeah.”

When Gon was already making his way up towards Ging, Killua glanced one last time up, whispering just enough so Alluka will not hear him, “I’m here, the closest I can be, by your side.”

Unbeknownst to him, Gon was looking down, and although they could not exactly see each other anymore, it was as if he was answering to Killua, “And that’s just fine for now.”

**Author's Note:**

> i did not sleep two days ago in order to finish all of the hunter x hunter episodes. i’m now reading the manga. this episode still makes me sad. i wrote a full analysis on their goodbye scene because there are too many things that's unsaid in that last ten minutes of that episode and while i do understand why it has to be left unsaid, it's just sad that they can't talk like how they used to anymore ;-;
> 
> i am on sad mode because of this anime and that's not to say it's bad. but i write a lot when i'm on sad more. so yeah.


End file.
